I’m Just a Small Town (Yoga) Girl…

As a new yoga student, the beauty of living in a large city is the opportunity it provides to explore lots of different kinds of yoga with many teachers at various studios. I attended my first yoga class in Vancouver when I was in my early twenties. It was a slow hatha class, I was the youngest person there and I remember liking it but being a little impatient and wanting more of a challenge. Bikram yoga seemed to be all the rage those days – a series of 26 postures you do over the course of 90 minutes in a heated room – and I was curious to see if I could do it. I was hooked after my first class and began going regularly. I loved the challenge, I loved sweating bucket loads, and I loved the “glow” I felt after class.

I continued to explore other yoga studios and classes around town, as Vancouver is somewhat of a yoga mecca, and soon realized I preferred going to classes that didn’t consist of the same 26 postures every time. I found teachers that made room for silence in class and infused their wisdom through their own words and unique sequences. Bikram began to feel scripted and predictable.

It was then that yoga really began to become less about “the workout,” and conquering poses and more about slowing down, breathing, and listening to my body. I discovered that the reason I felt so great after Bikram had nothing to do with the physical aspects.  It was because I was 100% focused and present on my mat. The constant chatter in my head melted away. I felt a lightness and calmness I had never experienced before, and as an anxious person by nature and someone who has been extremely hard on myself since I was oh, five years old, I wanted more of that feeling in my life. Essentially, it was my first experience in mindfulness. I wasn’t worried about the future, or what happened yesterday. I was exactly where I was. On my mat.  Nowhere else. “You are exactly where you need to be, right now” a teacher said in class one day. It hit home on and off the mat. And suddenly the pressure was off. Let it go. Life is unfolding as it should.

I began to understand that yoga is really not about the physical postures at all. They are important, yes, but I see them more as the “tools” you need to enter into that meditative, fully present state of being. As I began to infuse the lessons I was learning in yoga to my everyday life, I started to become more aware and more mindful in everything I did. I became a better listener. I went a little easier on myself.  I felt less need for control, and more of a desire to go with the flow.

I moved to Hawaii for three years and continued to be inspired by wonderful yoga teachers there. I went through periods where I didn’t practice as much, and my world came crashing down when my two year relationship suddenly ended. I was completely lost.  I was living in paradise and dealing with severe panic attacks and anxiety issues. I went to see my dear naturopath friend and began seeing a therapist once a week. It took courage to do that and I was ashamed that I had to seek “help” but looking back now, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I think everyone should see a therapist for the rest of their life! For me, taking prescription drugs was not the path I wanted to go down. Both my naturopath and therapist stressed that “Yoga Meditation, Yoga Meditation, Yoga Meditation” were going to be numero uno for me. One day my therapist asked me if I had ever thought about teaching yoga or writing about my experiences with anxiety. I think I laughed and said something about those two ideas not even being close to the realm of possibility.

I took their advice and did turn to my yoga practice during my last days in Hawaii and when I returned home to Vancouver. I had made the decision to leave Hawaii for awhile, or maybe more permanently, I wasn’t sure at the time. But my yoga mat became my life raft during those months and it helped heal my broken heart. I did a 30 day yoga challenge in there somewhere, something I had always wanted to do. It only deepened my practice and affirmed that yoga would forever be a part of my life. I just kept moving and breathing and I began to let the past go and trust that the universe had something bigger and better in store for me. “Maybe the best hasn’t happened yet” became my mantra. Being in the depths of a heartbreak and uncertainty was definitely not easy or fun, as many of us well know, but it was where I needed to be. It forced me to examine my issues with anxiety on a deeper level. I began to become even more curious about mindfulness and anxiety, and how “our biography becomes our biology.” I really believe that statement to be so true.  When I really took a hard look at myself, I wasn’t being honest with myself about that relationship. Deep down somewhere, I think I knew it wasn’t meant to be, and I was fighting that feeling. Forcing anything in your life, or avoiding or suppressing it will create problems. I believe my lack of honesty manifested in my body in the form of these debilitating panic attacks, among other ailments. Our bodies and minds are fascinatingly powerful. My body was telling me to stop the train and have a major check in with myself.

Fast forward to late last year, and I had just finished my second season working at a dude ranch in Wyoming. I had met Michael and was head over heels for this amazing man. My crazy decision to take a job in the middle of nowhere Wyoming ended up being not so crazy after all because it led me to my hunk of a Colorado mountain man. I made the decision to stay in Wyoming to be with him and it’s been a wild experience living in rural town of 1,700 people. Some days I want to pull my hair out because options are so limited here. (I just want a sushi roll and a coffee shop to sit and write in!!!!!) Other days I can’t imagine ever living in a city again. The Wyoming chapter of my life has definitely been one full of deep self-examination. We’re talking a whole new level here. Living in the middle of nowhere will make you examine what you truly need to be happy.

My one huge complaint (just ask Michael) about our little town is that I don’t have a yoga studio or a yoga community here. I do classes at home online at YogaVibes or Yogis Anonymous but it’s just not the same as being in a room with other real heartbeats. As much as it made me laugh when Michael walked by and commented “wow busy class tonight,” I really missed that part of my life. It forced me to again, go deeper and explore my yoga practice. Why do I do yoga? Why do I need to be in a class? Do I even need someone else leading me? Why am I constantly focusing on what I DON’T have? What am I going to do about it?

The opportunity arose for me to teach yoga at the ranch for the 2014 season, so off I went to teacher training in Costa Rica for two intense weeks in January. ( My teacher was Marianne Wells and I recommend her with my whole heart. She and her husband are wonderful.) Amidst my training I realized that (duh) I had the opportunity to CREATE a yoga community in Saratoga. There is a rec center in town that offers different classes for $5.00 and there was currently no yoga teacher. But could I do it? The doubts crept in big time. I was already a nervous wreck.  But YES, I could. I don’t know why, but in my heart I felt like I was ready. It was all just falling into place and I couldn’t deny it. The universe was telling me to teach yoga. My struggles the last few years led me to this exact moment. Courage, dear heart.

I got home from training and procrastinated for two months. I told Marianne I felt like I needed to work on my personal practice more before I started teaching. She knew what I was up to and she flat out told me to get my butt out there and start teaching. I wasn’t going to let my anxiety run the show this time. So I set a date. March 6^th. And I put flyers up around town on all available bulletin boards. “Yoga in Saratoga.” Kinda cute.  I wondered if anyone would even show up. What if nobody came? I told myself I would just practice by myself and show up again next week.

But they did show up. Four lovely women came to my first class. And since then I’ve had students every week, never more than ten yet but I’m just fine with that. (I’m still waiting for my first cowboy to come to class, ha!). We practice in a gym. Classes are $5.00 which is a steal in the yoga world today. The lighting isn’t great, but I put one of my pretty Hawaiian sarongs  on the floor with a candle on it to attempt a little bit of ambiance and provide a focal point. There’s no fancy yoga outfits or name brand mats, and I bring my computer speakers every week to play music on. And it’s just perfect. I wouldn’t have my first teaching experience any other way. I have made new friends and I learn a little bit more every week about myself and about my students.  I still have notes beside me in class and my students are all so kind and they thank me for teaching. I have no interest in teaching super advanced poses or difficult inversions. Especially for beginners, I don’t believe that’s what yoga is about.

My small town yoga class has reminded me what yoga is really about. “Really real yoga” as Marianne calls it. Forget all the external crap. Yoga in the Western world  has become so commodified and marketed (And I totally get it, I work in marketing, I understand the value of a brand). Yoga is about quieting the mind, going inward, and connecting to your truest self through breath and movement. Yoga is allowing yourself to become vulnerable to face your fears in the name of growth.  And as I teach in the gym with the basketball hoops and archery targets on the walls, it is a beautiful reminder that anyone can do yoga, anytime, anywhere.

I am grateful for my yoga journey which continues to evolve and teach me so many beautiful lessons to carry off the mat into my life.  And I am grateful to have the opportunity to teach and introduce yoga to others.

After one of my recent classes, two little girls poked their heads in the door as I was packing up. “Is yoga all done?” one of them asked politely. “It is, why didn’t you come to class?” I teased. The door swung open and the two little girls zoomed  into the gym on rollerblades, giggling. Bet that’s never happened in any other yoga studio before. It made me laugh. “Happy rolling!” I called out to them as I made my way to the back door. “Happy yoga!” the little one called back.

Happy yoga indeed.